i tried everything i could think of to keep the mean reds at bay. i ate a healthy dinner involving vegetables, i did the dishes, i wrote christmas cards, and i mindlessly watched old episodes of sex in the city. but it ended with the one where carrie and aidan break up. and i sat on the couch crying as though my own heart was breaking. now i’m afriad i’m never going to be able to stop.
The quiet of the night and the solitude of being home brings all those feelings to the surface. I don’t want to say I understand because I really can’t. They way you have described your life seems to echo mine. I come home, stay busy as possible but then I lie in bed and my body and mind aren’t racing anymore. Then I think of what it all has come to: this feeling of an empty existence. It is so crushing. That’s why most of the time I just fall to sleep from exhaustion.
24 Nov 03 at 11:07 pm #Perhaps I have spoke too much. I’m not quite sure of the rules here and am afraid I may have interloped too long.
for what it’s worth.. we all love ya jodi..
i only check two blogs a day and i feel your pain is mine.. sorry if that sounds sappy or like a creepy internet guy.. your blog reaches out to like minded people (see above gentleman) even if most of us just read and lurk…
for what it’s worth (again) the other blog i like is http://www.largeheartedboy.com/blog/ ,a great source of legal mp3s and run by a fellow Guided By Voices freak like me (like the Mats, another hard drinking good rockin’ band that’ll never get its due..) Between the Mats and GbV I feel like music is the one soulmate I’ll ever get!
didn’t mean for that to be a plug or anything… I talk too much too..
danny
25 Nov 03 at 12:14 am #Dear Miss Jodi,
Q: What’s black, white, red, and can’t fit through doors?
A: A nun with a speak in her head!
I hope you feel better soon. I would do the happytime monkey dance for you if I knew it would cheer ya up a bit.
And if I knew just what the happytime monkey dance actually was…
25 Nov 03 at 2:40 am #Dear Miss Jodi,
Me again. I’ve got an even better joke this time:
Q: What’s dumber than a box of hair and misspelled the word “spear” (not, “speak”) in his last joke, so now it doesn’t make any sense and he feels really dopey because he can’t go back and FIX it, so the kids on the playground are going to make fun of him forever?
A: What?
25 Nov 03 at 2:43 am #Also, Mizz Jodi: Have you read this book?
You should. I think you’d relate to it, but in your own way. And besides, Shawna’s a total goddess and a killer writer.
25 Nov 03 at 2:46 am #What you’re feeling is a “useless emotion”; It serves only to facilitate wallowing in past unaccomplishments. Please, please, please stop allowing yourself to wallow. You hurt yourself, and I hate it when people hurt you. You support yourself, you have a passion, you have a family that loves you, you have “darling ones” who rush to your defense and love you unconditionally. You have so much, now look up out of the cavernous pit you’ve imagined yourself in and see it. Then you’ll realize that your life is a whole hell of a lot better than most.
It’s not the “mean-reds”, it’s never been the “mean-reds”; It’s been you doing this to yourself. Go ahead and hate me if you will, but please look into yourself and put a muzzle on that nasty little self-deprecating voice. Humility is a virtue, what you do to yourself sure as hell isn’t.
25 Nov 03 at 6:45 am #I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know you (and I won’t pretend I do just ‘cus I read your blog.), so I’m sure you’ll take this with a grain a salt. but here goes… The Holidays are rough. Especially in our externally lived society where he/she who has the most toys, biggest house,”perfect” mate win. It is especially rough on sensitive souls who lead interior lives such as yourself, meaning you think. What I am getting at is don’t give into the hype. The hype that is designed by an insecure society. You know that there is more to life than all those things and they are what really count. And if you keep on being yourself and believing in yourself you can achieve and find someone to love you. I know this time of year is hard, I recently lost my dad and my job and kinda know how you feel. So remember there’s always the Spring and that this too shall pass….
25 Nov 03 at 4:09 pm #