failed again
i’ve done it again. once again my words have failed me. as i wrote something that i thought would explain how i’m feeling, would tell you where i’m coming from, i was hurting the one person i care for most in this world.
my stomach aches with guilt. my eyes brim with anger.
when i wrote about the politics of loneliness, i had no intention of hurting the TTHM. i had no intention of hurting anyone. i have, i’m ashamed to admit, written words with the intent to inflict pain. i’ve written words to get what i want, to manipulate, to shame people. my writing is not always honorable.
but last night it was meant to be honest, to help me explain to myself the internal-dichotomy– to help me rationalize the strange harmony of my disparate emotions.
since what i wrote hurt him, i failed. i failed miserably, and i ache that the irrational thoughts of an irrational girl coming through the fingers of 31-year-old woman could make a man who makes me happy sad.
i’m so sorry.
There’s no worse a feeling than hurting someone you adore and knowing you can’t take it back. I’m still haunted by something I said and did to T in January. He’s forgiven me, but sometimes I remember and it makes me cry. I haven’t quite gotten past it yet.
30 Mar 04 at 10:34 pm #it turns out my grief and guilt were mostly for naught. it seems i hadn’t upset him as much as i thought. i was only filled with my own sense of self-importance. i’m glad he wasn’t as affected as i initially thought and angry at myself for wasting so much time worrying about it.
31 Mar 04 at 1:04 am #