Entries from June 2005
this is how people nearly die in senseless car accidents
driving home from work, i was so engrossed in a particularly vivid sex fantasy that i totally missed my turn and ended up in a heretofore unknown part of bloomington. and the only thing that can harsh the buzz of a particularly vivid sex fantasy is being trapped inside of bloomington in rush hour. if [...]
Read moreand nobody laughed but me, until i cried
“are you guys wearing the same shoes?” i asked seamus and kappa.
“no,” seamus said. “i’m wearing the bonnie approved sandals. she was morally opposed to mantoes in the office.”
“i think she was just morally opposed to mantoes in general,” i said.
“yeah,” kappa said, looking down at this exposed toes. “i think girltoes are just as [...]
and then i beat him about the head and neck with a big, heavy stapler
“look, your nose is red from laughing so hard,” kappa said.
“it is not,” i said. “it’s red with the effort it takes to produce a vesuvian-like zit that is causing even more pain than my breasts are at the moment.”
“ok, rudolph,” he said. “sorry i mentioned it.”
tales of a 27th grade nothing
do you remember that scene in Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing where Peter Hatcher is talking about how much he loves fruity fruit punch and how if you split open his veins you’d probably find them filled with seven fruit juciy flavors? (it’s the scene where he drank so much of it at a [...]
Read morepractice makes perfect or the reign of decadence continues
believe it or not, i’m not talking about masturbation. no instead i’m talking about my absolute brand-new favorite thing to do (and i say this like i do it all the time but i don’t (again not talking about masturabtion because i totally do that all the time), in fact i just discovered about 10 [...]
Read morean evening of decadence in which i can’t seem to stop crying
since i had the big creative breakthrough this afternoon, i decide to cater to my every whim tonight. so far that has included a divine dinner featuring veggie burgers, baked potatoes, and asparagus, washed down with chocolate milk. then there was some sitting around in the underpants reading an old issue of the The New [...]
Read moreholy shit i am spent
i just had a creative breakthrough of epic proportions here at work and now all i want to do is smoke a cigarette and then roll over and go to sleep. i am totally spent and feel like jelly. this is only one of those ideas/projects that has been lodged in the back of my [...]
Read moretuesday pros and cons
con: 8:15 in the a.m. mandatory all company meetings
pro: seamus bringing in sweet delicious yummy coffee
con: talking to not one but two people on the phone before 10
pro: i have a good idea for the pressing project plaguing my mind
con: the flesh eating virus currently taking residence on my face in the form of the [...]
the disturbing penis in my bed
so i’m sitting here breaking the cardinal rule of jodi (no computers in bed) and paco’s here with me. he was rubbing himself against me, like he always does, because he’s he neediest cat in the world, when i noticed something new. it looked like a weird extended nipple by his butt. however, there had [...]
Read moreKAPOW! attack of the super bitch
i just went from zero to superbitchy in like 45 seconds. i’m not kidding. it was probably the weirdest thing i’ve ever felt in my own psyche. i was just sitting here minding my own business, looking at some award-winning ad campaigns on the web and then KAPOW! superbitch took over. i was listening as [...]
Read moreta ta for now
am the only one who finds it odd that the men who provided the voice for Tigger and voice of Piglet died within a day of each other? it’s weird to see those headlines stacked on each other in the Times Obit section.
Read moreeverything looks perfect from far away
so i had a weekend, though it doesn’t feel like it. i’ve discovered that the one thing i simply cannot do anymore is stay up until 4 a.m. i guess i’m just one of those people who needs to be in bed by 3 a.m. at the very latest. four a.m. just wrecks me for [...]
Read morethe nutter butter mystery solved!
ok, the random nutter butter text messager has been unconvered. it was wendy!. and now i’m really pissed that she didn’t buy me any damn nutter butters.
Read moreoverheard: things said repeatedly at my house tonight
“will you stop rubbing your ass against me.”
“must you lick yourself while laying on my feet.”
“can’t we live in harmony?”
“she asked me if we could be friends and i said oh honeybaby that’s a dead end, you know it.”
the nutter butter mystery deepens
so mystery text messager strikes again.
mystery messager: “No, but i thought about you in the grocery store - that should count for something.”
me: “thoughts are nice, but don’t put nutter butters in my tummy.”
the number is local and looks familiar and i thought perhaps it would be NBFB, but it’s not. because he’s 651 and [...]
Recently Dared