I pity the people who have had to drive alongside of me the past week or so. I am sure, were they to look over at the tall girl in the ruby-red truck they’d have thought something was seriously wrong, and with good reason.

I’ve been listening to The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks and it mostly made me want to vomit all the time. In fact my urge to vomit was so real and visceral that I would often make gagging noises while sticking out my tongue at Sparks’ predictable and treacley prose. I rolled my eyes so much I was afraid they’d get stuck in some goofy position.

Seriously this is the worst book I have ever read/listened to/witnessed. Even worse than the shitty, shitty Secret Life of Bees. I think. When you get to this level of abject shittness it’s really hard to judge that which is the shittiest.

I didn’t want to read The Wedding. It’s a bookclub pick and I even suggested to Sister #2 that I was not going to read it, which lead to a lecture about how I need to teach them why it’s shitty, shitty, and how they were reading my books so I couldn’t be such a bitch.

“The Thin Place is tough, and they’re reading it,” she said.
“But it’s good!”

Of course, since she’s a Social Worker, Sister #2 would not let me treat those not so forunate as I to be blessed with good taste in literature so poorly.

So I listened to the shitty, shitty Wedding by Nicholas Sparks, and it is everything I hate in a book: predictable, cliche, trite, coy, and it includes a ‘surprise’ ending just to make it extra special bad. There’s nothing that makes me angrier than a coy fucking narrator. I hate that shit. How can I take your character seriously when I find out at the end that he’s been lying to me throughout the entire novel? Why did Wilson have to be coy with me?

A book about a guy trying for an entire year to keep a wedding a secret from his wife would be much more interesting than this shitty, shitty book about a guy who is helping plan a last minute wedding for his daughter.

The absolute worst thing about this fucking wedding premise is that the whole lie was shitty and predictable. I knew that the main guy was throwing this ‘wedding’ to make up for forgetting his anniversary on like page 10 (or the audiobook equivalent of page 10).

I hate this book so much that I kind of want to find Nicholas Sparks and break his keyboard and steal all his pens so this kind of crappy pap is no longer foisted on the unwitting public.