I blog a lot. I read blogs all day. I’ve been blogging a long, long time (8.5 years). My actual job title? Blogger. I know that of which I speak. So take this advice to heart. Here are my tips on how to succeed at blogging without really trying:

  • First of all you have to call yourself an expert. Do not mistake being an actual expert with calling yourself one. When in doubt go with Social Media Expert, nobody is sure what the hell that means yet so you can probably shine it on for a long, long time. Also, being “in new media” will go a long way.
  • If you are not an expert you must have a kid
  • Make sure every thought you have can be broken into a bulleted list of some sort. Do not worry about sentence structure, word choice, or any of that. The list, that is all that matters.
  • Include pictures with every post regardless of if they have anything to do with the actual content of your post. People like pictures, it distracts them from the vapidness of your pointless list
  • All your post headlines should be something along the lines of ’8 sure-fire ways to do something,’ ’13 signs you’re a social media expert,’ ’33 ways to become a Twitter influencer,’ ’17 people I slept with last year and how I broke up with them using Tumblr’
  • When in doubt write about Twitter, this should be good for at least 4 posts a week
  • If you are in your 30s or older, only sleep with people a decade younger than you are, make sly references to it on Twitter
  • Twitter
  • Only be friends with people who have web sites. Link to each other obsessively, take copious pictures of every time you go out to dinner and post them immediately. Be sure to Twitter everything.
  • Post animated gifs
  • Post pictures of celebrities with crude drawings on them
  • Always be Twittering
  • On a slow blog day talk about all the people you will not follow and/or friend on any of the various social networking sites. Make sure to include that smug sense of superiority because, after all, you are the expert
  • Post about how in demand you are and how it’s difficult to keep track of your busy, demanding life.
  • Randomly punctuate your lists because you’re too incensed to be consistent
  • Announce hiatuses or threaten to give up blogging/twittering/the internet/facebook/tumblr at least once every six months
  • Give out lots and lots of advice on anything you feel like giving advice on shoes, children, saving money, getting a job, it doesn’t matter — this is how you establish your expertness. Make sure to mention how it’s good for SEO, personal branding, Social Media, or Social Networking.
  • Diss some blogger in your blogspehere in an attempt to drum up some drama. We heart drama.
  • Twitter about the drama
  • Sell the drama
  • Twitter every post you make, and make sure to retweet anything that anyone ever says about you or your blog. This is vital!
  • At least once a week cryptoblog about some big event, gig, project, relationship that you cannot talk about
  • Write a lot about conversations and being real and making connections, especially when it comes to using Twitter. However, do not actually do any of that stuff. After all, this is the Internet where we only connect over bulleted lists with pictures of teddy bears. Save the actual conversation, realness, and connection for the lowly, navel-gazing personal bloggers who have ruined the Internet.