My mom grew up in a tiny three-bedroom house in Savage with her six brothers and sisters. That house didn’t have a basement, so whenever the weather would get severe my Grammu would freak out and pace the living room, chain smoking Pall Malls. If things got too bad, she would gather up the kids [...]

i think they’ve really missed me here at work. in my last meeting they let me swear, vent, and generally crab about people. they also let me run the meeting, which never ever happens.
even shawn the graphicsboy came and rubbed my back and asked me how i was.
i wonder how long i can get [...]

i’m back at work and feel like i’m floating through space. i’m not exactly sure what i should be doing, being out a week does that to you. people keep coming up and offering me condolences and i just never know what to say.
my brain’s a bit muzzy. jumping back into to real life [...]

i now own proper funeral attire. i will wear black. this, if you know me, is quite unusual. i do not wear black, i don’t look good in black, but it only seems fitting (and because i don’t mourn long, i bought this racy little red thing that i can’t wait to have a reason [...]

the sister club has been asked to read a poem in honor of grammu. i haven’t a clue as to what to read.
any suggestions?

i’m raging at the moment. yesterday at work i sent a nice long explanatory e-mail about my grammu’s death and the status of all the projects i’m working on that will have to be put on hold.
i’ve gotten quite a few nice e-mails from some co-workers, the kind that make me want to cry. [...]

someone called. the kind kevin called and filled me up with so much sunshine i think my butt’s burned. sometimes it’s nice to hear that you’re a wonderful person. especially when you’re all sad and shit. of course, i am completely drunk (3 drinks is all it takes). but well, it’s only fitting considering grammu [...]

in my attempts to feel something else, i decided it would be a good idea to have a drink or two. this, of course, means i’m pretty near drunk, which is not a good thing as i’m pretty far from finishing this work assignment that has to get done before tomorrow.
i don’t quite know what [...]

when you spend the day floating about like an emotional train wreck, when you are sad and lonely and unsure and you feel the need to throw your head down into your arms and cry cry cry, makes sure to take your glasses off first. because when you go to pick up your head and [...]

when i got to work today, i found a post that never quite made it to iwilldare.com. a silly post about bowling and being seen as a sex object and more. but now it seems quite irrelevant or something.
yes, i am at work today. my grammu is dead and i am sad and i don’t [...]

march 18, 1928 - september 13, 2003
i love you grammu and i’ll miss you.

Her breathing is laborious. The hospice room is painted mint green. My aunt Jan had decorated, placing pictures of all her grandchildren on the bulletin board. The nightstand next to her bed is filled with the bodice rippers she loves to read.
When I walked into the room Cody 5, Joey 4, and Andrew, nearly 2, [...]

i have to go pick up sister #3 in 10 minutes. then we’re off to watch our grammu die. i hope i can do this. i’m scared.

sister #3 just called. they don’t think grammu’s going to make it through the night. my mom’s a wreck. i don’t know what’s going on. i’m just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. my mind’s been erased. i can’t even cry. i’ve gone numb.
when i got home my biggest worry was whether to [...]

grammu has refused to continue the radiation treatments that are shrinking the tumors on her spine and adding weeks to her life. she wants out and they are letting her go home to die.
she leaves the hospital today.
there will be no IVs to feed her, so if she doesn’t eat she will starve. this is [...]