“I need a new check card.”
“Was your card lost or stolen?” The friendly US Bank customer service rep said.
“No.”
“. . . ”
“See I got a new one because the old one expires next month.”
“The new one was sent to your house?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I, uh, accidentally cut it up and threw it away.”
Much [...]

I just have to tell someone that my right butt cheek is spasming in a weird way. Though I suppose there’s no unweird way for a butt cheek to spasm.

Sometimes I drink my tea like I’m a robot while singing in my head “domo arragato mister roboto” because it’s fun and sometimes you need to do that to keep your brain from flatlining while at work.
Also the fingers of my right hand smell like onions.

There are no lights on upstairs. I’m lit by the glow of Ogden’s screen in the Fortress of Solitude wrapped in my favorite red-towel, fresh from the shower. I don’t know why I sat down here. I can’t remember anymore. Maybe it was to avoid finishing the shitty, shitty Vampire book I’m reading. All I [...]

Lifehack offers up some tips for squelching anger, none of them seem to be working for me. Oddly, biting the next person who walks by is not on the list.

Princess Jaycie and I have to go downtown to Al, the cutest girl on earth’s™ studio tomorrow. We’re working on a super secret project. As I type it’s rainy-snowing out and my stomach hurts. I’ve got all kinds of anxiety when it comes to driving in the winter.
My phobia started when Sister #2’s best [...]

Whenever I tell anyone about my phobia they laugh uproariously. Because, apparently, it’s really funny to laugh at people with psychological problems. Listen jerks, I know it’s funny. The irony that I’m 6′5″ and afraid of heights is not lost on me.
It’s not your average fear of heights either. I don’t mind flying, or [...]

Coworker: If you were up so early for the Culligan Man why were you so late?
Me: I was watching Kids Incorporated videos on YouTube, duh.
Coworker: I don’t want to know.

These are my feet, I just took this with my cellphone sitting here at my desk at work. I didn’t have a drink last night.

An integral part of my morning-ritual is the New York Times obits. I am obsessed with them. Sometimes I’ll check them throughout the day just to make sure nobody obscurely important died when I wasn’t looking.
I am generally a goalless nincompoop when it comes to aspirations and what have you, but I do desire [...]

For reasons that are unclear to me, I have this odd compulsion to rub Brokeback Slink against my mouth. It’s been an overwhelming desire of mine for the past two days. I’ll even find myself with Brokeback in hand heading towards my lips.
Rubbing Brokeback or any office Slinky against your face is just about [...]

My new favorite treat are juicy and delicious Pink Lady apples. I like the snap from my teeth crunching into its pink yumminess. However, I may have to give up the apples or cut off my breasts. It seems that without fail whenever I eat an apple, it drips apple spooj all over the front [...]

About 90% of the lights on our side of the buliding in Hell, Inc are burnt out. It’s usually okay because we get a lot of light from the windows. But on cloudy days like today, it feels a bit like we work in a dilapidated old warehouse in 1940s Chicago rather than a climate-controlled [...]

You know what would make this the absolute perfect day? If I could stay here in my semi-clothed state reading my new favorite book, King Dork (discovered through the always awesome Bookslut), listening to the Ramones and eating apples. I can say with all confidence that the world would be a much better and happier [...]

Even though I have reached the grand old age of 34, today I discovered that I can still pop-n-lock just like I was 24 or even 14. I’ve been listening to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem on repeat this morning.
Okay, that’s a total lie. I could never pop-n-lock. In fact, I’m not even sure what one [...]